I’m sure you saw the incident following the Chiefs vs Raiders Monday Night football game. Davante Adams was visibly frustrated leaving the field following the Raiders’ 30-29 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. In a blind access, the deranged Davante Adams stomped on an unsuspecting cameraman like a pack of 30 to 50 feral hogs in Willie McNabb’s backyard while his grandchildren played.

This morning, Adam Schefter announced that Kansas City City Court has charged Davante Adams with misdemeanor assault.

A misdemeanor assault charge seems a bit extreme to me, but I can’t blame the cameraman for chasing a bag. I dream of a situation where I catch a bag in such a way. That’s why I always stomp on the subway gates and walk as close to the bike path as possible when I’m walking around town.

The cameraman claims to have suffered a whiplash, a headache and a possible minor concussion. In my opinion, he should have known not to walk past an enraged football player minutes after he caused his team to lose the game by running into his own teammate. You need to have your head on a pivot when you’re on an NFL field, no matter the situation. But that doesn’t mean Davante Adams was right to knock him to the ground.

While I don’t think this particular cameraman deserved to be mugged, I wouldn’t go so far as to say NEVER mug a cameraman. Cameramen can be assholes. Camera operators can be cons. In some situations, cameramen deserve to be attacked. Here are some of those situations.

He removes the peephole from the door of your hotel room and films you while you are naked in your room

If you remove the peephole on the door of a hotel room, it allows you to see into the room from outside. Say you’re an attractive sideline reporter for a company like ESPN, and a man with a camera from the Marriott in Nashville removes the peephole from your bedroom door. Say you unsheath your clothes in the privacy of your bedroom, exposing your naked body. If the cameraman leans his camera against the peephole and takes pictures of you, then you have every right to assault that cameraman. You can attack him physically or attack him financially in the form of a $55 million lawsuit.

He asked your waiter a stupid question that embarrasses you and everyone at the table

Let’s say you’re with my girlfriend’s friend, Tyler, who is a vehicle photographer for Cox Automotive in Columbus, Ohio. If Tyler is joining you for dinner at Forno for my girlfriend’s birthday, and he decides between two courses, and he asks the waiter, “What do you think I would like the most?”then you are allowed to smash your wine glass on the table and slit his throat with it.

He’s also your stewardess and he slipped your unfinished drink without asking before takeoff. He didn’t even give you a chance to swallow it first. Then you had to wait until the plane had reached altitude to have another drink

Suppose you are flying first class from New York to Columbus, because the price of a first class ticket is only $40 more, then you thought, “Why not?”.

When you sit down, the stewardess takes your drink order and you recognize him as your friend’s wedding photographer. A minute before the plane leaves the gate, you decide not to rest your eyes for more than a minute. While your eyes are closed, you feel the plane move. When you open your eyes again, you notice that your still half-full glass has been taken and your tray has been raised. The stewardess who moonlighted as a cameraman thought you were sleeping and took your drink away from you while your eyes were closed. You understand that the trays have to be in place and the drinks have to be finished before the plane leaves the game, but he didn’t even give you a chance to finish it. To commit an act of terrorism during the flight would be going too far – fellow passengers should not be punished for the regrettable decision of the flight attendant/photographer. However, it wouldn’t go too far to face him in the aisle of the plane and have a bare-knuckle boxing match.

You made 2 holes in a row at the Barstool Mini Golf Invitational, and it lost the footage

There were an incredible number of cameramen at this year’s prestigious Barstool Mini Golf Invitational. Whatever number of cameramen you think was there, triple that number, and that’s the number there was. It’s hard to get screen time at an event like this. There was a lot of footage, so naturally not all of the shots could be included in the final cut.

However, if you make 2 holes in a row, you deserve the screen time. If the cameraman somehow misplaces the footage and it never returns to Barstool headquarters, you have every right to physically assault him.

He directs and films you in pornography (it’s a low budget operation) and he gives you too many instructions, causing you to lose your erection

Are you a professional. You understand that in the porn business there will be someone shouting instructions at you. Most people couldn’t perform under that kind of pressure, but you can, because again, you’re a professional. But this guy is going too far.

“STRONGER! STRONGER! Bite her in the throat! Suck her blood like a mosquito! Yeah, that’s right, you’re a mosquito! Big bad mosquito infected with West Nile virus! Now come on! in the south! Sift through its flaps like the pages of a book! YESSS it’s true like a flip book! Like a flip book of an erupting volcano! Now YOU ARE the volcano! You are Vesuvius! Its face is the city of Pompeii! I need you to ERUPT MOUNT VESUVIUS! DESTROY THE CITY OF POMPEII WITH YOUR HOT CUM IN FOUNDATION! Eruption!!! Eruption!!! Eruption!!!”

It’s way too much. You cannot play for this type of producer/director. Stop having sex immediately. Pulling down his pants, ripping off his testicles and strangling him with his own scrotum.

You’re a news producer and your cameraman keeps showing up for work drunk. You’re also pretty sure he fucked your wife

Suppose you are a producer for a local news station and your cameraman (Charlie) is a drunk. This has had a negative impact on his performance lately, and that falls squarely on you. If it were up to you, he would have been fired a long time ago. The problem is that he is an exceptionally likeable person. He’s handsome, he’s hilarious, and he has a charming personality. No one would ever dream of blaming him for anything. Every time he makes a mistake, they blame him, “Oh it’s just that Charlie is Charlie!”

You also suspect him of fucking your wife at the non-holiday news station’s end-of-year party. You can’t prove it, but longtime meteorologist Harvey Stamper insists he saw them both disheveled as they exited the back stairwell together. Harvey is a kind and polite 63-year-old father of 4, who never gets involved in any drama. For him to say something like that is very damning. Your wife vehemently denies it. She says they were just smoking a joint, but that doesn’t make sense. Your wife would never smoke weed without telling you. Not that you really care, it’s just not in his character. Plus, you could have told if she was stoned.

An incandescent ball of anger directed at Charlie has been smoldering inside you for months. It gets bigger and warmer every day. You can’t get the image of him leaning your wife over the railing of the stairwell between the 3rd and 4th floors out of your head.

Things on the news weren’t going well lately. The audience has dropped. You blame Charlie, but your boss doesn’t give a fuck. He says, “Your team’s poor performance is the result of a lack of leadership.”

It gives you one more chance to turn things around, but a few more bad days and you’re back to low budget porn production/directing in Studio City. One day, at the end of the first segment, Charlie forgets to switch to commercial. The news anchor says a racial slur live on camera because he thinks he is no longer taped. You look at your boss and he gives the throat movement. Today will definitely be your last day at the station.

You’re already fired, so you might as well fly away. In this scenario, it’s perfectly acceptable to grab a microphone stand from the supply closet, smash it on your knee, and punch Charlie across the mouth. Hit him repeatedly until his teeth are scattered on the newsroom floor and blood is flowing from his eyeballs. You’ve already been fired anyway.

You’re on a reality TV show and the cameraman suggests you should quit drinking

You literally drink to enhance the show. It’s not like you’re going to start a drama while you’re sober. Kiss my ass. Break his kneecaps with a bar stool.

It films you in your natural habitat as you try to teach your cubs how to properly climb a tree

You are simply a mother bear raising your cubs to the best of your ability. Father bear is in the middle of a long sleep, so it’s up to you to raise and protect your children. If a curious cameraman sneaks up behind you to take a candid photo, turn around and perform a bear attack.

He films a white man wading through your waters in Africa, mocking your way of life

Hippo mode is for hippos only. Teach him a lesson.

You are a giant pile of icy snow and it takes pictures from the bottom of the mountain you are about to avalanche

Imagine you are one of the 7 Wonders of the Natural World – The Magnificent Avalanche. You brew on top of Mount Zugspitze, the highest mountain in all of Germany. You’ve been accumulating snow for months, but in the last few weeks the weather has warmed up. You were once a beautiful pile of fluffy white snow, but now you have begun to evaporate. You’ve turned into grossly slippery ice. You are disgusted with yourself. Then you notice an asshole with a camera at the base of the mountain. He takes pictures of you at your worst. You’re tired of this. It’s time to stop everything. Kamikaze your way down the mountain and avalanche above the cameraman.

This joke was based on the assumption that avalanches occur when warmer weather melts snow and slides down the mountain. I don’t think that assumption is correct.

He shoots a crumb and a lush that won’t come out of your face

You are the mayor of a small town and you don’t have time to be bored neither with a crumb nor with a luxuriance. Give it, and crumbum/lush a piece of your mind. Wrestle them both to the ground and break their arms.

He doesn’t like the way you read your most recent ad

You work hard. You are certainly the hardest worker in the company. If a cameraman asks you to read an ad while you’re dressed as a 1920s milkman, they’ll get 1 take. You’ll get it right the first time. If he’s not completely happy with the catch, then it’s tough. That doesn’t give him the right to call you a fool from Mississippi. This is going too far. You are more important than him anyway. You’re Brandon fucking Walker. Push it as hard as you can.


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